by
Rhonda M. Hall
I
have belonged to a writing group for close to nineteen years. We debated back
and forth for a long time about the need for rules. Years ago, I took our real
rules and twisted them a bit.
GENERAL
RULES
We welcome all genres but the following: pornography, erotica, and non-fiction
of any kind, and anything we don’t like.
Don’t
discuss personal matters during the meeting, it’s not fair to rub your
fantastic life into our faces. We’re here for one reason and one reason only,
to ruin your life as you know it. When you leave the room crying we have met
our goal. If you become a “regular,” you’ll get a members’ list with everyone’s
telephone number, address, and electronic address for stalking purposes only. You
can use these to keep your gossip greased or whine about these rules.
READINGS
Sessions
on the first Wednesday of the month are reserved for readings only–no lessons.
During the rest of the month, if there is time at the end of the meeting,
members read portions of their works-in-progress. Tripping other members, so
that you might take their spot is strictly forbidden, unless of course, I’m the
one who doesn’t get to read.
The
facilitator will determine the amount you may read. She/he also has the right
to stop you if the work is offensive, inappropriate, or if you put us to sleep.
If your work is putting everyone into a coma, congratulations you’ll probably
be published in two months.
Don’t
ask to read more than the allotted number of pages. (SELFISH) We don’t care if
the Pulitzer deadline is just around the corner. You should plan ahead.
Besides, we’re too wrapped up in wondering why we weren’t nominated to even
listen. Please don’t take offense if members take out little dolls that look
like you and stick pins in them. That pain in your neck is purely a
coincidence. But not to worry, we have Chiropractors on retainer!
Do
not explain your work. (Frankly, we don’t give a damn) If it requires
explanation, then it isn’t ready for presentation. The setup should be included
in the story. However, other members may ask that you bring them up to date. Do
this as briefly as possible.(YAWN) We don’t need a psychological profile for
each character, or for you, we don’t care that your mama spanked you.
Articulate
and speak loudly. We can’t critique what we can’t hear. If you fail to comply,
the rest of the evening will require you to stand at the podium on one foot
while we eat your French fries.
Do
not interrupt those reading. This includes acknowledging the arrival of another
member or whispering to the person next to you. Miming is permissible. A giant
wave of the hand and/or blowing a kiss is acceptable. The only time this rule
may be ignored is when the individual entering the room is armed and appears to
be hostile. (It only happened once, we swear.)
Don’t
read something you’ve already read unless it has changed drastically and at
least a year has gone by. (YAWN) Also please do not explain past critiques, we
are critiquing what you just read, not what was written three years ago. If
this is rewrite number forty-two, make it forty three!
If
your piece has already been edited or published, leave it at home. It’s too
late for us to be of any benefit and you’re wasting the time of those who want
to get where you are. Don’t rub it in their faces. It’s not nice.(SOB, as in
crying, not son of -B*****)
CRITIQUING
Critiquing
begins with the person to the left of the reader and goes clockwise around the
room. Critiques are usually written in brief form on notes which are given to
the writer to mull or cry over later. On the first and third Wednesdays of the
month, that fall into a month with an “R”, we go to the person on the right,
spin and then we all shout. “THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!”
Be
truthful. (Or lie, like the rest of us.) Saying its National Book Award
material when it wouldn’t even make it as casual bathroom reading won’t help
the writer. Always include something positive. There’s always a plus in
everyone’s effort. No, saying you’re glad they have finally finished reading
doesn’t count.
If
you are really at a loss for something nice to say, hide out in the bathroom
with the rest of us.
Do
not interrupt the individual critiquing. Wait your turn. You should have
learned this in kindergarten. Once you become a member, your kindergarten
teachers name must be forwarded to the facilitator, if you fail to comply, we
will contact him/her.
Do
not repeat a criticism already presented. Most members get it the first time.
If they don’t get it, stand on your chair, shout and wring your hands.
If
another member opposes your critique, don’t argue the point. The writer will
decide what’s best, or probably ignore you anyway.
As
the reader/author, do not debate the criticism. You can take it or leave it.
Some of it is only opinion anyway. We prefer you take it and run with it. We
like it when no talents take our ideas and steal them.
If
you don’t understand, do not ask for a lesson until after the session. (Brown
Noser) The facilitator or one of the other learned members can help you after
the meeting.
The
facilitator may schedule instruction in the problem area at a later date. Your
kindergarten teacher will also be available. Many counseling sessions have
taken place at Skyline Rest home. (They love us there.) In the meantime, research
it yourself. It will be good for you.
Do
not talk amongst yourselves while the critiquing is going on. Any note passing
will result in the facilitator reading your note aloud to the entire class. You
could learn something. Hard to believe, we know, but you really could. Also, if
there is any gum chewing, please be sure you brought enough for everybody.
LOGISTICS
When
a reader/author points to their head and says, “Internal,” they are indicating
characters internal thoughts, not what they really think of you.” IE…
“Internal, Point to the head, I hate it when John shows up for class.”
When
a reader/author says, “Drop down, everyone will drop to the floor and put their
hands behind their heads. (It stems from that one armed incident.) P.S. We love
pulling this on the new-be’/ wanna’be’s.
If
you refuse to follow any of the suggestions (improve), then stop coming. If
you’re already perfect, you don’t need us and we don’t want to listen to you.
Happy Writing!
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